


Moment

by auselysium



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: Angst, M/M, angst with happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-21 19:57:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8258609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auselysium/pseuds/auselysium
Summary: It's a few weeks before Christmas when Todd get's a message from Sam asking to meet.  How will this encounter with the man who so painfully defined his past affect his future with Billy?





	1. Chapter 1

It’s a simple domestic scene. Low light. Quiet music. A loved one lost in his own activity.

It’s a scene that is undoubtedly unfolding in a similar fashion in sitting rooms across the nation. Perfectly unremarkable in every way except for the fact that it is happening at all.

Todd is still adjusting. Getting used to the new address, the extra flight of stairs. Coming home to sounds of Billy moving in the bedroom. It had taken them several weeks after the fall out with Pat and Vinny - the hospital stay, the fear of loss, the police dealings, the questions of trust- to even decide this, this form of coupling, was the next right step for them.

Then it had taken several more weeks to learn the new moves that let them navigate through the tight corners and the ins and outs of a shared space and a shared life.

So, when Todd emerges from the kitchen that night, his hands still damp from the dishes, the sight of Billy sprawled long on the couch still gives him pause. Brings him joy. Makes his heart jump with thanksgiving.

Billy’s course to become a certified counselor begins in the new year, which means he’s already made his way through most of his texts for the pending term. One such book, thick and wordy, is open on his lap. A highlighter for those most important facts, is held, at the ready, between his teeth.

In the background, Christmas music plays. Those austere but familiar hymns being sung by an unaccompanied boys choir in Latin.

He slips around to the front of the couch, lifting Billy’s feet out of the way. He drops Billy’s feet back into his lap and presses his thumbs through the thick woolen socks into Billy’s arches. He’s rewarded by deep groan and a highlighter-free smile.

“You can turn the telly on, if you like.” Billy offers.

“No, I’m quite liking the festive atmosphere you’ve got set up here,” Todd says.

He’s only begun to learn just how much Billy loves Christmas. He’d at least had the decency to wait until December before slipping down the holiday rabbit hole. First an Advent Calendar had appeared on the mantelpiece on the 1st of the month. Then there had been the Nativity Scene, hand carved by villagers in the South African village Billy had once visited, that appeared on the side table a few days later. Two single stem LED candles now glow in the windows that face the street and there is a fresh evergreen wreath on their flat door. Earlier that evening, Billy had pulled out his box of ornaments, hinting not so subtly that with only a few weeks to go before the big day, it was time to get their tree.

“Can you even understand what they’re singing?” Todd asks after he’s listened to the music for a few minutes, his hands continuing to work over Billy’s feet.

“Course I can,” Billy says. “I studied Latin in seminary. And Greek. Even presented an entire Easter service in Latin as a project, once.”

“You really are a nerd, aren’t you?” Todd teases. “A God nerd. The Nerd of God.” Billy kicks at him playfully in mock offense. “Hey, I’m just calling it as I see it.” Billy shakes his head with a smile and returns to his book.

They settle into an easy silence. Billy reads, tracing patterns on Todd’s open palm with this finger tips when Todd lets it fall to rest on Billy's belly. Todd turns to his phone, checking twitter and Facebook. But then as he drafts a quick text to Jason who, if all his travel plans had worked out correctly, would be arriving in Japan in a matter of hours, a small circle pops up on his screen indicating a new Facebook message.

He squints at the small picture and his, “Oh my God,” is both dark and troubled and completely out of character for the scene when he recognizes the sender.

“What is it?” Billy asks. He sits forward. “Todd?”

But Todd is unable to process anything, not even the growing concern in his boyfriend’s voice. The only thing he can see is the name glowing white and blue on his screen.

It’s only when Billy’s hand falls to his shoulder that he shakes himself out of his racing thoughts.

“I’ve just got a message,” He says, throat dry. “From Sam.”

The boy’s choir comes to a soft cadence and the CD finishes. The flat seems painfully quiet.

“Sam?” Billy asks, breaking the silence. “As in Sam Sam, London Sam?”

Todd gives him a tight nod, lips pressed into a firm grimace.

Billy shuts his book and sets it on the floor. “Well, what’s it say?”

  
“I’ve only just gotten it, haven’t I?” Todd snaps.

“Sorry. Course,” Billy says, running his hand down Todd’s arm and Todd catches his hand in his as it lands on the couch, squeezing it tight, making any need for a verbal apologize unnecessary.

With a deep breath, he clicks open the message.

It’s longer than he expected, but then again Todd’s not really sure what kind of message he would expect from the man who walked away from him, happy to abandon everything they had fought for - together - to return to a wife who didn’t like him and kids who didn’t really know him never to look back. Never to reach out to Todd again. Not even once. Until now.

He repeats the important bits out loud for Billy’s sake as he reads. “Bout of pre-Christmas nostalgia...Can’t believe I found you on here…” He leaves out the Sam’s compliment on how great Todd is looking.

“He says he is actually going to be in Manchester on Friday and was wondering if we could get together.”

He turns off his phone and presses it between his palms. The ridges on Billy’s brow are especially deep as Todd finally turns to look at him.

“What are you going to do?” He asks with a nervous shrug. Todd, who can think on his feet faster than an Olympic sprinter, literally has no idea.  

"I dunno."

"There's a first," Billy says but his smile his grim.

Somehow Todd manages to steer the conversation away from the message. Away from Sam.

He gets Billy talking about the book he’d been reading and putting their Christmas tree up on Friday. It had been self-serving and diversionary but Billy had been just as eager to latch onto the different conversation too.

But that night, Billy breathing deep and steady on the pillow next to him, Todd pulls out his phone. He rolls to his side the the light doesn’t disturb Billy and accepts Sam’s friend request.

He looks through his photos. Pictures of the lie Sam chose to live. The life Sam picked over him. He scrolls backwards through years and years of memories. He watches Sam’s kids get younger. Sam’s hair become less salt and more pepper. He sees pictures on golf courses with his work colleagues. Family trips on beaches and Disney World.

Then there are photos of just him with his wife, Ann. Dressed up for family weddings, arms around each other on their anniversary. Todd bites back the word “bitch” as he pauses on those particular photos - staring long and hard at the woman who had taken Sam away from him with hardly any explanation. He tries to see the love in her eyes. Tries to understand why he picked her over him.

Eventually, the hour late, his eyes bleary from staring at the glowing screen and his battery running low, Todd replies.

_Sam, so glad to hear from you. It’s been what...9 years? Friday would be great. Coffee?_


	2. Chapter 2

He wakes up Friday morning with butterflies in his stomach.

 _It’s just coffee_ , he tells himself as he tries to go about his day, his hands a bit unsteady. He pricks himself on rose thorns more than once and Tracy takes note.

“What is up with you?” She asks and Todd silences her with a nasty glare.

“It’s just coffee,” he says as Billy kisses him extra long and tells him he loves him with an almost plaintive tone.

“I know that,” Billy says, head hanging but Todd understands his need to imprint himself on Todd before he goes. If the roles were reversed, Todd would probably be planning a stealthy way to spy on the meeting.

So Todd takes his hands and pulls him close.

“I’ll be back by tea time. You go pick out your perfect tree and get it set up in the stand." Then in a wicked whisper against Billy’s lips he says, “I’ll bring us back a bottle of wine and then I’ll make love to you on the floor under the Christmas lights.”

“That doesn’t sound very sacred.”

Todd cocks his head. “I beg to differ.”

Billy blushes and kisses him quick.

“It’s just bloody coffee,” he mumbles into the collar of his jacket as he hustles down the windy street just shy of their designated meeting time.

But if it’s just coffee, why is he so damned nervous?

Todd had picked this place due to its central location and it’s sterile, chain, cookie-cutter ambiance. There is nothing cozy about it, nothing warm or quirky. It’s a wide open cafe, with lots of windows and uncomfortable molded chairs, not exactly a place one would want to hole up in for hours.

A cursory scan reveals only strangers seated inside and some of the tension falls away from his shoulders. Even so, when he orders his cappuccino, he makes it a double.

He picks a table near the back with clear sight lines of both the front door and side door. He is not about to let Sam catch him off guard. The only way he is going to make it through seeing his ex again is if he’s in complete control of the situation. He will not be caught unawares by him again.

He’d said Sam leaving him had felt like being hit by a train that day at A&E. Sat next to Billy, aching to have him back, tears running down his face, that had seemed like the best metaphor. Hit by a train, yes. Heart ripped out and torn to bits. World turned upside down. All those typical heartbreaking cliches. Only losing his son had hurt him as much.

But the thing that had rocked him hardest of all, the thing with the longest, most debilitating effect had been Todd’s sudden inability to trust his own judgement. Had he really been so wrong about Sam’s unflinching love for him? Had he so completely misread the situation? Had the future they’d talked about with regularity really just been smoke and mirrors?

He had been young, only 24 when they’d met. Fresh from Manchester in the capital city, so perhaps he’d been overly optimistic and enamored by the intensity of it all.

But when he’d been left on his own, the ring cold and heavy in his pocket, he’d promised himself right then and there that he’d never let another man hurt him like that again.

Todd takes a quick sip of his drink, the hot liquid much less bitter than his thoughts and notes the time. Sam is late. This fact doesn’t help him feel any more pleased with the situation.

His phone dings, indicating a text from Billy.

_Just got the tree. Need more lights. xx_

Todd smiles down at his phone and drafts a quick reply. He’s searching for a fittingly, festive emoji when he hears a voice, ages old but achingly familiar, from by his side.

“Hullo, Todd.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Sam, wow. You made it.” Todd fumbles with his phone, quickly slipping it into his pocket, all thoughts of his unsent message to Billy gone. He jumps to his feet, suddenly unsure.

“Yeah, so sorry, I’m late. My meeting ran over...”

“S’fine.”

_Do we hug? Shake hands? What is the protocol on this exactly?_

Sam answers for him, pulling him into a full armed hug. Taken by surprise, Todd hugs back but a little awkwardly, trying to make it chummy. Sam stands back, leaving his hand on Todd’s shoulder.

“Saying that it’s good to see you seems a bit trifling but, blimey, Todd it _is_ brilliant.”

Todd had forgotten how gorgeous Sam’s smile could be. How effortlessly the perfect flop of auburn curls laid on his head. And while the lines at the corners of his grey-green eyes are now not just from laughter but the papery wrinkles of age, it doesn’t take away from the fact that Sam is still incredibly handsome. He only seems to become more so from the proud, nearly overwhelmed look he has on his face at seeing Todd again.

“Let me get my drink, yeah?”

Todd nods and watches Sam move towards the counter. He’s slimmed down. From stress, age who knows. But it suits him and the well tailored trousers he’s wearing.

“So...?” Sam asks, as he takes his place opposite Todd a few minutes later. “How you’ve been?”

His voice is lighthearted, a sing-song question. All at once acknowledging the massive expanse of years span between them while also erasing some of the awkwardness of this situation.

Todd finds himself laughing, grinning down towards his drink.

And that’s when Todd remembers just how charming Sam can be, too. It’s not just what Sam says, but how he says it. Even the most banal topics - from Todd’s work at the florist to the bull shit of Brexit - are suddenly made fascinating.  
  
Sam's charm is in the way he always asks the follow up questions, shaping the conversation into something flowing and easy. It’s the way he leans in across the table, intent on everyone of Todd’s words. It’s the way he manages to talk about himself without seeming egotistical, just interesting.

That had been what had drawn Todd to him in the first place. He hadn’t met Sam at some seedy bar, Sam snuck out from wife and family, looking for some fast action. Instead, they’d met in the lift of the business complex where Sam’s insurance company was housed, the same building Todd’s temp service had placed him upon moving to London.

“Third floor, please,” Todd had said and Sam, curiosity peaked by Todd’s northern accent and genuine smile, had struck up a conversation and the rest, as they say, had been history.

Nearly 13 years his senior, Sam hadn’t exactly been Todd’s type. So at first he’d just thought Sam would turn into a mate, a bloke to look up to, seeming to have it all. But it soon became clear that Sam’s interest in Todd was more than platonic and Todd’s feelings ran deeper than deep.

It was the way Sam spoke to Todd that drew him in, only to realize how truly gorgeous a 30-something body could be underneath his fussy ties and collared shirts when it was attached to a soul he loved so keenly. Sam made it seem as if everything Todd said was important. The way he looked at him didn’t make him feel like a failure, like all he’d done was let people down. He made Todd feel remarkable. Like he truly cared.

 _How wrong I’d been, eh?_ He finds himself thinking for the 9 millionth time.

“Elise will be sitting her A-levels in the spring,” Sam says. “And Georgie is starting his second year at St. Andrew’s.”

“Well, that makes me feel horrifyingly old,” Todd says, smacking his lips together and putting his cup back on the table pointedly.

“You? I can see 50 on the horizon.”

“Ooo,” Todd winces. “Stings does it?”

Todd chuckles as Sam falls into laughter. But the bright sound is soon overwhelmed by a bout of coughing. A deep chested, hacking cough that goes on for several seconds longer than it should and leaves him with tears in his eyes.

“That sounds wretched. You alright?”

“I’m fine,” Sam dismisses Todd’s concern with a wave of his hand. “It’s just this thing going around the office I haven’t been able to shake.” He wipes his eyes with a napkin as he works to get his breath back under control. He takes one more deep breath which still seems rattling and unsteady to Todd.

But able to morph the mood with a single look, Sam grins and leans across the table. “I have a confession.”

“Alright,” Todd says, playing along.

“I may have stalked you on Facebook the other night.”

“Oh,” Todd blushes again. “I... may have done the same.”

For some reason that seems to make Sam happy.

“So tell me, who’s the bloke with the beautiful blue eyes and gap-toothed smile I keep seeing you with?”

Todd bites at his lips, trying to stifle the smile that always forms on his face at the mention of his boyfriend.

“Yeah, that’s...That’s Billy.” Sam reacts to the familiar name, his eyebrows shooting up his forehead. Baby Billy had only been gone just over a year when they met. “I know, I know.  It was a bit hard for me to get over at first, as well. But he’s my boyfriend. My partner. We live together.”

“So, not serious at all, then?” Sam teases. “What does he do?”

“He’s... between careers at the moment. He's going back to school in January for counseling but when we met, he was a vicar.”

Sam laughs again, short and clipped. "Seriously?"  Todd nods.  “You. With a man of the cloth?”

“Not my usual crowd, I know.” Todd smirks. “But he left the church about six weeks ago so we could be together. You know, properly together.”

A stillness falls between them.

“He must really love you.”

His words, a near direct copy of Billy’s from the day he told about Sam, remind Todd that while it’s all well and good for the two of them to chat amiably over a cup of joe nine years later, the man sitting opposite him is still the one who broke his heart, shattered his confidence, and left him cynical and wicked.

“He does,” Todd says. “He’s the best man I’ve ever met. I’ve never been happier.”

Todd holds Sam’s gaze as his words, pointed but true, land with their brutal intention. He watches the joviality fall away from Sam’s eyes. The hope for letting bygones be bygones fading away.

Todd hates how good that feels.

He taps his empty coffee cup on the table with a hollow papery sound.

“He’s waiting on me actually, so I should probably get going.” Todd reaches for his coat, slung over the back of his chair when Sam grabs his hand.

“Nine years and all I get is a cup of coffee? At least let me buy you a proper drink.”

“I have plans…”

“I can’t come all the way to Manchester and not go to Canal Street, can I? Please Todd,” Sam says, eyes searching. “One drink.”

Todd sits back, extracting his hand carefully from under Sam’s. His fingers had been cold on his skin.

“You do realize Canal Street is where all the _gay_ bars are, don’t you?” Todd says, as if it’s some kind of warning.

That old fire springs back to life in Sam’s eyes. “That’s exactly the point.”


	4. Chapter 4

Todd suggests one of the more casual places it the village. It’s a smallish bar with warm amber lighting and plush finishes. The music is an unobtrusive mix of 80 and early 90’s pop. There are no flashy lights, no sweaty dance floor. It’s as hetero as a gay bar can be. Even Jason hadn't minded coming here the few times Todd had convinced his brother to “come see how his people live”.

It’s early yet, just past 6pm, so the bar is relatively quiet, even for a Friday. The twenty odd blokes filling the high tops are out for a quick one with mates after work or a cocktail before heading off to dinner with a date. Add a few more women and some retirees, and it could easily be any local pub on a Friday evening.

Even so, Sam looks like he’s just reached Mecca. His eyes, wide with wonder filled earnestness, stare at the men, out and proud, as if they are performing some sort of miracle. He takes petite sips of his pint, elbows propped up on the bar behind, just watching the scene unfold around him.

Todd on the other hand, downs two large shots of whisky in as many minutes, wearing his discomfort like iron shackles. Todd catches the eye of the bartender and points to his empty glass, indicating for a third. As the young man fills his shot glass again, Todd adds, “Pint, of lager while you’re at it.” The barman nods. “Ta.”

“Loosen up,” Sam says, noticing Todd’s rapid rate of alcohol consumption.

“What do you think I’m trying to do?” Todd asks, gesturing at various drinks placed in front of him.

Sam grabs at the fleshy muscle between Todd’s neck and shoulder. He squeezes at the tension and Todd flinches away. “I thought you always liked a night out? What’s changed?”

“Nothing, I’m just not used to being out with my straight, ex-boyfriend that’s all.”

“We both know I’m not straight.”

Todd snorts. “Then how’s life been in that glass closet of yours?” He keeps his eyes steadfastly on the far wall as he downs his final shot.

“Lonely.”

The singular, honest word strips away some of Todd’s indignation and he allows himself to look at Sam. He looks weary now, that amazement that had enlivened his features is gone. Todd feels a bit guilty for taking that away. But only just a bit.

“So you never... _dallied_?” Todd flutters his fingers in the air then forms it into a fist. “Never went out to satisfy your craving for man on man action.”

Sam frowns at Todd’s raunchiness. “No,” he says defensively. “Not with this ticking time bomb of a virus inside me. I learned my lesson about sleeping around, you know that,” Sam sighs as he turns around so they stand shoulder to shoulder. “Besides, I’d be lying to say there haven't been good times. I mean, the kids... the kids are everything. And there have been times we could forget, you know? For their sake, and have been happy. But I can count on my fingers and toes the number of times she actually initiated sex with me in the past nine years and even less the numbers of times I think she actually enjoyed it.”

“What about the number of times  _you_ actually enjoyed it?” Todd mumbles the snarky question into his drink, just loud enough to be heard over the din of the bar.

Sam chooses to ignore it, leveling Todd a long, even stare instead.

“I mean, who can blame her, really?” He plays with the coaster under his beer. He’s hardly drank any at all. “Can you imagine having to use protection with your husband, your entire life? Never being able to just be carefree and spontaneous? Always having to be safe?”

Todd can actually because he’d been prepared to do just that.

“And it never mattered how many rounds of PrEP she’s taken,” Sam goes on. “Or the number of tests that always came back negative, or how safe we were, I think she’s always been afraid of being intimate with me.”

“I never was.”

The words are out before Todd can stop them, reflexive and defiant. He turns to look, his chin high. Sam’s eyes morph, flare wide.

“I remember.” Sam inhales loud through his nose and exhales slowly. “My god, Todd. Of course, I remember. We’d set the world on fire, you and me.”

The syllables are rounded, velvet smooth and they cascade in a fervid hush over Todd like a lover’s touch. Like Sam’s touch.

“I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve thought back to those nights and our time together these past years. Alone, in the dark, I’d remember you. The sound of you. The taste of you.”

It’s only as Sam’s voice fades to little more than a slurred whisper that Todd realizes how their bodies have unconsciously melted together. Only then does he feel Sam’s long fingers at his waist. Feel the heat building beneath his collar.

He can feel all of Sam’s pent up desires emanating from him, his breath hot and shallow. But then all those familiar feelings of resentment and use bubble up and a sneer forms as Todd wakes himself from the trance.

“Is that what this was, then?” Todd whispers in a similarly intimate tone. “A nostalgic booty call? A chance to get your leg over young Todd Grimshaw once again?” He bats Sam’s hand away with a slap. “Well, I’m afraid you’re about 9 years too late for that, mate.”

Todd hastily takes his wallet out, not even bothering to count the wad of cash he throws on the bar. All he knows is it’s enough. He grabs his coat, shoving his arms through the sleeves when Sam, waking up to the reality of what’s happening, reaches for him.

“Todd, please, I’m....”

But he rips himself from Sam’s hold then steps up close, an aggressive finger pointed at Sam’s jaw .

“You know what? I’m sorry that you haven’t been buggered up the arse properly in what probably feels like an eternity. And I’m glad you have such fond memories of what a fantastic lay I am but your sex life, or lack thereof, is not my problem anymore, is it? You made damn well sure of that the day you left me.”

He doesn't wait to see Sam's reaction, just rushes towards the front door, fingers pressed hard against his lips to stifle the sob building in his chest.


	5. Chapter 5

The air outside is mild for December. The wind is humid, carrying with it the threat of rain or, more likely, fog. Even so, the tears that well-up on Todd’s lower lids feel icy cold and bitter as they fall.

He crosses the street towards the canal, wiping the tears away quickly as he does. The street is busy now, that the hour is later, festive, and the holiday lights reflect off the surface of the water. Hands clenching the stone wall along the canal, Todd fills his lungs to the bursting point and lets it out in a long, stuttering breath.

Coming to see Sam had been a horrible idea.

He checks his phone. Its nearly 7 and there’s a text from Billy. _Home soon?_ , is all it says. Desperate to get home, to feel the present certainty of Billy, Todd spins on his heel, intent on finding a cab, and turns right into Sam.

“I’m sorry, Todd,” He says with no build up.

“I don’t care what you are.” Todd pulls his coat tighter around his body and brushes past him.

“Todd.”

He’s never heard his name sound so desperate. He can’t help but stop. Turn back.

“I crossed a line," Sam says.  "You’ve got Billy and I know that. I just got caught up in the moment, yeah?  In the memories.” Sam shrugs, his coat still clenched in his hand.

Todd wonders if he’s cold, which he soon realizes is a completely ridiculous thought.

“I’ve gotta go,” Todd says turning quickly.

“So this is how it’s going to be then, is it? One of us just walking away from the other?”

Sam’s voice carries over the chatter of the passing pedestrians, the traffic noise of the nearby roads. 

“I’m sure you’ll get over it," Todd snears.  "Just like you did the last time.”

Last word in, Todd keeps walking. But soon enough he hears Sam’s quick steps against the brick stones.

“You think leaving you was easy?”

Todd spins and Sam pulls up short, looking surprised as he zips up his coat to his chin.

“Sure looked like it from where I was standing,” Todd says with a shrug.

“Todd, leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

In the weeks after Sam had left him, Todd hadn’t left his flat. He’d avoided calls from mates and from his mum, missed work. He’d lost weight. He’d drank too much.

He’d _grieved_.

And the whole time that his life was seemingly coming apart around him, he’d had to live with the truth that Sam had chosen to be where he was. That he was back home with his wife and children and he was fine. Unaffected. Happy.

So to hear this now. To hear the crack in Sam’s voice. See dampness on Sam’s cheeks, even in the increasing dark, it’s like some long needed catharsis. 

His need to hash things out, even if he'd had to wait 9 years to do it, overwhelms him

“See, that the thing that I don’t understand.” Todd speaks slowly, as if to test his voice. Finding it steady enough for now, he goes on. “What I’ve never understood is that...the hardest part was over.” Sam looks away as Todd begins ticking off the list. “You’d accepted the truth about your sexuality, you’d come out to Ann. You’d dealt with your diagnosis and started the antiretrovirals.  You’d.  Chosen.  Me.”

Finally, Todd’s voice fails him, wavering, as he punctuates the each word of the sentence with a pounding fist to his chest as if trying to knock away the mounting emotion bubbling there. Even so, his next breath sounds more like a sob.

“We’d already been through so much, Sam. And we’d made it. So did you just really love her so much more than me?”

“No.” The word is instant and accompanied by Sam’s palms on either side of Todd’s face. His fingers are cold and thin and they feel nothing like Billy’s loving hands. But they are just as familiar and Todd feels himself go limp into his grasp, letting Sam angle his head so their eyes meet.

“I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you, Todd. Do you understand?”

“Then why?” Todd whispers, feeling and sounding like that 24 year old boy who’d so desperately needed to know then.

Sam sighs heavily. His hands fall to Todd’s shoulders, then away completely. He hangs his head and steps over to look at the water. “My life had just been turned upside down. And when she said I could come home...I knew I was resigning myself to a half life. Without truth or passion. Or love,” He adds, giving Todd a hollow look. “But she was offering everything that was familiar. Security. Stability. I don’t expect you do understand but it’s what I needed at the time.”

_Security. Stability._

The words ring like death knells in Todd’s head. If he had said his kids Todd might have been able to understand but... _security_...

“Stability...you gave up everything we fought for...for _stability_?” The words are dictated with icy anger.

“I was scared, Todd.”

“Don’t you think I knew that?” Todd yells. “Jesus Christ, of course I knew how scared you were because I was there beside you the entire time! I was bloody scared, too!”

A young straight couple, or maybe an especially cozy looking gay man and his hag, walk past giving Todd a strange look at his outburst. Perhaps the middle of the sidewalk is not the best place to be having this conversation so Todd moves over by Sam against the railing.

He takes a deep breath.

“I wanted to marry you.”

Sam pales. “What?”

“How is that for stability, eh? The civil union laws had just passed. I was young and idealistic.” Todd mouth twists into a sad smile as Sam continues to look at him with tortured shock. “I wanted to prove to you that I wasn’t going anywhere. That I was going to stick with you for the long haul, sickness and health. Good times. Sad times. The whole enchilada.”

“I had no idea,” Sam says.

“Well, that’s kind of the point, right? Proposals. Meant to be a surprise.”

“When?” He can barely breath the word.

“That’s the real tragedy in all this, innit?” He feels his throat go tight again. “I was going to ask you the day you left to go back to Ann. No, no not the day,” Todd says with a twisted laugh.  His eyes narrow. “The very moment that you told me you were leaving me, I had the ring in my pocket.  I’d written the whole speech in my head. Even had champagne chilling in the fridge. It was supposed to be the best moment of our lives. But instead you chose her,” Todd whispers. “And that moment...it _ruined_ me.”

He draws in a ragged breath as Sam begins to cry quietly.  But Todd is not done, he waited 9 years for Sam to understand how much his leaving had hurt him and make him understand he would.

“Do you know what choice cost me, Sam? And I’m not talking about the money I spent on the ring. But what it cost me here?” He jabs his finger tips against the pinching pain over his heart. “Do you know what kind of person I became after you? The lies I told? The people manipulated and hurt and pushed away?  Christ, I nearly managed to frighten Billy off, all because I was terrified, _terrified_ ,” he nearly sobs. “Of loving someone as much as I'd loved you and having them walk away.”

He pulls away when he feels Sam’s hand cover his on the edge of the railing. But can’t bring himself to do the same when Sam moves towards him, one hand cupping his elbow, the other coming to brush his cheek, fingers hovering over the new-to-him scar.

They could have talked about the night he was assaulted, if they’d wanted to get deep. Or they could have just ended their conversation at the coffee shop, under the pretense of civility. But here they are, both drenched in this deluge of bad memories and Todd needs the comfort. And Sam is offering it so freely.

“I know it doesn’t make an iota of difference,” Sam says. “I would have said 'yes'.”

Todd exhales a gasp, his eyes pinching closed. Sam presses his thumbs over the tears that slip down Todd’s cheeks.

“I am so sorry, Todd. If I had it to do again, I would have never left. Never walked away. I would have stayed. In every other lifetime, I’d have chosen you. I should have stayed. I’m so sorry. So sorry.”

Each word seems to bring Sam closer, his breath warmer of Todd’s face until the warmth takes on a physical presence.

It’s only when Todd feels himself kissing back that he realizes the warmth had been Sam’s lips on his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me.
> 
> I promise, super schmoopy, happy Tilly at the end.


	6. Chapter 6

It lasts less than a heartbeat. Less time than it takes for the valves to open and close, blood from the atrium to the ventricle. Less time that it takes for his lungs to fill. For his neurons to fire. And yet in the minuscule expanse of time, Todd feels his life come full circle.

_He’s losing his virginity to Sarah, their bodies small and young. He’s kissing Karl only a few blocks from where he now stands and knowing. He’s cradling Sam in his arms, sobbing after his HIV diagnosis. He’s about to kiss Jules for the first time, a sinister grin on his lips. He’s flirting with Sean. He’s fucking Karl into the carpet of that townhouse, feeling more smug than turned on. He’s on the pull, successful but what for? He’s waking up next to Billy in their new flat, him watching Todd in the morning light._

“Stop,” he snaps, ending the kiss before it’s even really started.

And it’s not even a shove, barely even a push. But Todd’s hand on Sam’s chest to create some space is enough.

Sam is suddenly doubled at the waist, wracked by another bout of coughing. But this is worse than it had been at the coffee shop; they are thick, barking coughs that he can’t seem to recover from. He pulls wheezing breaths into his lungs only for another cough to overwhelm him.

“Sam. Jesus,” Todd reaches for him, hoping to set him upright. Sam grabs onto Todd’s shoulder for support, eyes wide with panic, bulging with another bout of coughing.

There is a bench nearby and Todd guides him to it as his chest continues to heave. The kiss is all but forgotten. 

“This isn’t just some cold you can’t shake, is it?” He asks, as Sam catches his breath.  Todd has been on the gay scene in London and Manchester enough to know the signs.

Sam takes an even breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. His eyes stare ahead, unseeing, as he takes another focused breath.  “Eleven years on the regimen. Not bad. Magic Johnson’s been going strong for 25, but still...it’s better than the blokes in the 80’s got.”

"So...it is isn't it?”

“I’m not getting over this one, Todd. In fact, it’ll be the end of me.”  Sam gives him a bleak look.

Todd clamps his jaw shut.  “Fuck,” he curses and drops his face to his hands.

“This is why I came to Manchester. I didn’t have any work meeting.” He shakes his head. “I just wanted to see you one last time.”

If he’d found out after the fact, through an old London friend or maybe an awkward, Brokeback Mountain type phone call from Ann, Todd’s not sure he would have cared much at all. Sam had been relegated to those bitter corners of memory. But after today, knowing what he knows now, his heart hurts at the thought of what is coming

Even though Sam had hurt him more than any person alive, he was only able to do that because of the depth of their love. Only someone who loved you so completely can tear you in two.

That connection, though gone, has never been forgotten.

He watches Sam wipe his eyes, regaining a regular breathing patter.  Todd can’t imagine what it must be like to be him - to just be waiting for his body to fail him, to see the end approaching. What will Sam tell his kids? Will Ann support him to through the gruesome, bitter end? Will he?

“Can you do something for me Todd?”

“Anything,” he answers quickly.

“This Billy of yours, you love him?”

“Course, I do, yeah,” Todd sniffs away some of his tears. From before. From now. They are all beginning the blur together.

“Do you love him as much as you loved me?”  

“Yes.”

“More?”

The word is meek, the question is heartbreaking but the answer is easy enough.

“ _Yes_.”

Instead of that admission hurting him, Sam seems to swell with relief. He smiles and clasps Todd firmly by the shoulders.

“Then you don’t waste any time with him, alright. Not one moment. You let him love you the way I wish I could have. And please, _please_ don’t be afraid to love him in return. Not because of what I did or what I couldn’t do. Because you deserve this, Todd. A full life. So will you do that, for my sake?”

Todd nods stiffly. “Yeah, course I will.”

“Good,” Sam says softly. He smooths the fabric on Todd’s arms, watching the movements of his hands with a shy smile on his lips. “Because I think if I know you’re happy, it will help me be less afraid.”

Todd grabs him by the lapel and pulls him into a fierce hug, as Sam sobs against his chest.

He doesn’t love Sam anymore, but he loves the idea of him. The memory of what they’d had. The future that he’d once been happy enough to imagine. He loves the knowledge that somewhere in the universe, Sam was still out there living and breathing and maybe thinking of him on occasion. Todd had lost him once before and now will lose him again.

So they sit on the park bench, for who knows how long. Two men, clinging to each other in the dark, December night. Facing life, death and love in equal force.


	7. Chapter 7

His feet fall heavily. He’s emotionally battered, bone tired, and each step up to their second story flat feels like Everest.

The lights from their tree, fully decorated, had been glowing prettily as he’d looked up towards their flat from the street. The guilt adds its own heavy weight.

At least he’d brought the wine.

When he opens the door, it’s like walking into a Christmas advert. The flat smells of evergreen and cinnamon. The lights are dimmed and romantic. There is more Christmas music coming from the radio, but this time it’s some jazz crooner singing out the popular classics.

Billy is curled up tight on the couch, a mug of something in his lap. He doesn’t even react when Todd closes the door behind him, greets him and hangs up his coat.

He’s obviously upset. And he has every right to be.

Todd puts the bottle of Cab from Billy’s favorite Italian winery, on the side table and sits on the opposite side of the couch. All he wants is to curl up next to Billy, to tap into that endless font of compassion and love that had made Billy such a wonderful vicar, will make him an amazing counselor and means he is the best boyfriend in the history of the world.

But Todd knows he has no right to that comfort from Billy right now. So instead, they sit in silence, admiring the tree.

It is perfectly trimmed. Elegant glass globes in various jewel tones reflect the mix of white and colored lights. The tinsel is placed with precision. There are several ornaments that look like Billy’s had since he was a child and there is tasteful mix of religious and secular Christmas symbols. Todd counts three crosses, one baby Jesus in a manger, two Santa's and several more candy canes.

“It’s gorgeous, Billy.”

“You think?” He asks, voice bored.

“Course it is. It’s perfect and I’m a sack of shit.”

“No, you’re not.” Billy says, giving the begrudged answer.

“Yes, I am. I told you I’d be home at a certain time and I wasn’t. I let you down and I’m sorry.” Billy looks at him finally, still clearly hurt but warming up after the apology.

“You must have been having a really good time to have been gone so long.”

Todd scoffs and rubs at his eyes, only now realizing how raw they are feeling. “That’s not the word I’d use to describe it.”

“Oh?” Billy says, displaying some genuine interest. “What would you use?”

“Mad?”

Todd turns towards him, inching closer on the couch. He takes one of Billy’s hands. “I need to tell you something cause we promised no more secrets and this is something I don’t want to keep from you...”

Billy’s face creases with worry. 

“No, I know, I just...I need you to listen really carefully to how I form this sentence, ok?”

“Todd, you’re scaring me.”

He takes a deep breath as the worry deepens on Billy’s face. “Sam kissed me.” He enunciates the words carefully. “Did you get that? Subject: Sam. Verb: kissed. Direct object: Me. I wasn’t an active participant in the event.”

Billy pulls his hand back and looks at him in silence. “Leave it to you to use grammar as a way of getting out of trouble,” he says quietly and Todd can’t tell if he’s incredibly upset or is about to let him off lightly.

“Gotta use every tool I’ve got.”

Billy sets his mug down. “Did you kiss him back?”

“No,” Todd says immediately but then grimaces guiltily. “Maybe? It was over so fast. And if I did kiss him at all, it was only to say goodbye.”

His voice wavers and the tears, having found their path so many times already today, begin to fill his eyes once more.

“He’s got AIDS, Billy,” he says. “He dying.”

And with a stunned sigh and a sweetly muttered, “Oh, sweetheart, come here,” Todd is exactly where he’s needed to be all day: in Billy’s powerful embrace, surrounded by his boundless love. And Todd takes all of it, let’s it bleed from Billy’s arms, into his skin, through his muscles until it finally reaches his heart.

“I’m so sorry, Todd,” Billy murmurs against Todd’s cheek, rocking their bodies gently from side to side as one might a distraught child. He pulls back after a while, inspecting Todd’s face with careful concern. “I know this much be a real shock.”

“I’d barely even thought of him until I told you about him. And then to hear from him again only so soon after only to find out this?” Todd exhales quickly as Billy continues to tend to him, massaging the base of his skull, holding him fast by the shoulder. “Why are you being so nice about this?” Todd finally asks with a massive sniff.

Billy just shakes his head. “Because I know what it’s like to have a past. And I know what it’s like when that past sneaks up on you and brings up feelings you thought you’d coped with long ago.”

“I’m not sure I’d be as nice if it were you sat here, sobbing about some ex.”

“No,” Billy smiles. “But you’ve certainly been pretty wonderful when you’ve found me a blubbering mess on a Sunday morning, clutching my Book of Common Prayers.” Todd manages a smile and Billy takes his hands, clasping them close to his chest. “Besides, I know that no matter what has happened in the past, yours or mine, our future is together.”

“I don’t deserve you.” Todd says, plainly.

“Stop. None of this self-hating florist business, right?”

“Right,” Todd agrees with a laugh, unforced and relieved. “So…that means you forgive me? Christmas isn’t ruined?”

“Far from it. In fact, I have something for you. A gift, sort of.” Billy gets up off the couch and gets something off the mantle. He lets it hang from his pointer finger for Todd. “I kept this one for you to put up.”

It’s an ornament. A small square frame, no bigger than the palm of Todd’s hand, covered on every surface with glittering green and red. Inside is a picture of the two of them, the same one that Todd had kept as his home screen on his phone for months until replacing it with one from they day they’d moved in. In equally glitzy lettering along the bottom is says “First Christmas”.

Todd beams up at him. “You know, I think this is meant to have a picture of a baby inside it.”

“You're probably right, but it’s the thought that counts, isn't it?” Billy laughs and pulls him up off the couch. “Here, put it up. Put it up.”

He’s positively giddy and now Todd really wishes he could have seen Billy decorate the whole thing. _Next year_ , he thinks. Todd finds the perfect branch and then stands back to admire it.

“Our first Christmas,” he says as Billy slips his arms around his waist.

“First of many, I hope.”

Billy’s eyes are soft and enticing and it’s so easy to lean over and kiss him. This kiss makes sense, instead of the confused, half-kiss he and Sam had shared, because he and Billy make sense. As Billy’s hands spread wide across Todd’s back and his fingers slip to the base of Billy’s skull he feels that electric fire switch on in his belly, that overwhelming feeling of peace and contentment and want.

And with all the passion and love, comes a sudden clarity.  A quick remembrance of Sam's parting wish for him. One that makes Todd pull back from their heavy kiss, leaving Billy pouting and confused.

“You know what? I have something for you too.”


	8. Chapter 8

When Todd comes back out of the bedroom, all the lights in the flat are off aside from those on the tree. He smiles to himself; Billy has unintentionally set the perfect mood.

The music is off and Billy looks peaceful. Todd could do with a little peace.

Unlike when he'd come home, this time, as Todd moves to join him on the couch, Billy shifts over, opens his arms, makes a space for Todd to fill. Todd settles against his side and he feels Billy’s cheek come to rest on the top of his head

“When I was little,” Billy begins, breaking the silence a few minutes later. “Before my mum left, she used to make us sit by the tree at night before we went to bed. We were always antsy and pestering about presents. But she'd just have us sit, as a family. It was so unlike her, to be still; she was always such a wreak otherwise. And she'd tell us to squint our eyes, make the lights go all fuzzy. I still find myself doing it.”

“You don’t talk about her much.”

“There isn’t much to say. But there are some good memories. There always are if you look long enough. It helps to think of them, sometimes.”

Todd’s not sure if Billy’s talking about his mother any more or not, but he tries her suggestion, anyway. The branches of the tree all but disappear, the individual points of lights becoming nondescript glowing, orbs. “It’s beautiful,” he says.

“Yeah, it is.”

But Billy’s eyes aren’t on the tree anymore. Todd flushes, his heart rate doubling as he reaches into his hip pocket.

“Here,” he says, handing Billy what is very obviously a ring box. Billy holds it in his palm and looks from it to Todd several times, his eyes wide, face long with wonder, before opening it.

Inside, nestled in dark green velour is an engagement ring. The platinum metal is banded round the middle black titanium, a silver swirling pattern overlaid on top.

“Is this...Sam…?”

“What?” Todd snaps as he realizes what Billy is asking. “No, god, no. I hocked that thing years ago for a bit a of cash. No," he gestures as the box. "No, this one I bought when I was in town a few weeks back. The pattern,” He says gesturing at his own shoulder. “Reminds me of your tattoo.”

Billy smiles as he examines the design more closely. “Yeah.”

“I was going to save it for Christmas morning. You know, best gift for last and all that,” Todd says with a playful smile. “But I don’t want to wait. Not even a minute longer.”

As gracefully as he can, Todd slips down to the carpet, propping himself up on one knee. Billy’s grip on the box is light, trembling, so it’s easy to take it from him and present it properly. There is a momentary recognition that the butterflies in his stomach aren’t from nerves from absolute exhilaration.

He clears his throat. “William J. Mayhew. I love you more than anything. And since the very beginning, I've known you are one for me.” Billy takes a deep breath, his spine straightening as he prepares himself for this momentous moment. “So what do you say? You wanna get hitched?”

Billy laughs first, as in typical Todd fashion, he can’t help but inject a bit of levity into even the most serious of moments. Billy takes the ring out of the box and admires it while Todd waits for his answer.

“This is gorgeous,” Billy whispers. He holds the ring delicately with the tips of his fingers. “And perfect and of course I want this for us…” Todd gushes forward, catching Billy’s lips with his for one quick kiss before Billy pushes him gently away, the dreaded word “But,” forming on his lips. “You have to admit, the timing does seem a bit suspect. I mean, you’ve been to this point before.” He gestures with the ring and Todd sits back on his heels.

“Ok, fair enough.” He nods. This proposal isn’t going according to plan either. But unlike that one he’d planned all those years ago, nothing will stop him from getting the answer he wants.

He steels his hands around Billy’s biceps, his muscles firm and defined under his cardigan. He looks intently into Billy’s eyes, making sure to assuage any and all lingering doubt. After all, he's never been so sure about anything in his life.

“I’d be lying if I said Sam didn’t mean the world to me at the time. And seeing him today, yeah, it brought up a lot of old emotions, good and bad. But what today made me realize, more than anything, is that all that heartache I went through with him, all the pain it caused me and the way it messed with my head, all that happened so I could end up right here, right now, with you.”

He edges forward on the floor, fitting his hips between Billy’s knees and watches closely as tears wells in Billy’s eyes.

“I really believe that, Billy. I was meant to meet you when I did. Broken, twisted, troubled, me. I was meant to fall in love with you and for you to be the person who taught me how to trust someone with this again." He lays his palm over his heart. "And you've got it, Billy. All of it.”

A single tear falls over Billy’s cheek. Todd’s not sure he’s ever seen Billy look more gorgeous.

“So I’m not asking you to marry me to prove anything. Or because I saw my ex and I'm confused. I'd been planning on asking you for weeks, message from Sam or not. I’m asking you because the thought of spending my life with you,” Todd laughs softly, eyes closing as he lets himself imagine what that will truly be like. “Well, it’s ridiculous how happy that makes me.”

Billy lets a small breath out from between his lips. “I can be happy with that,” he says.

Todd cocks his head, a wry smile on his lips. “So is that a ‘yes’?”

“Yes, Todd, I would love to marry you.”

With a smile so wide it makes his face hurt, Todd catches Billy’s face in his hands and kisses his fiancee.

And in this moment, this perfect moment, Todd finds himself again. Undefined by past or future, simply alive and awake to this present moment of perfection.

With giddy tears and trembling hands, Todd places the ring on Billy’s finger. It fits perfectly.

“Come here,” Todd says, gruffly as pulls Billy onto the floor with him. Billy’s body tumbles easily against his, their legs entwining, hips aligning, on the floor. This must be what “I believe I made a promise about you, me and this Christmas tree earlier today,” he murmurs into Billy’s ear. “And I’m not about to break promises now.”

As Billy hooks his fingers into the short hairs on Todd’s neck, his tongue warm and deep in his mouth, Todd thinks that his must be what pure ecstasy feels like. Knowing that life, _his life_ , can and will be lived to its fullest, unafraid.

That’s another promise he’ll keep.  After all, he’s keeping it for two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of inspiration, including the title, was taken from Matt Doyle's song Moment. Check it out! It's a great song!

**Author's Note:**

> This is Todd's chance to put all the demons to rest. The bulk of the story will be with him and Sam, though I promise some wonderful Tilly moments too. Really wonderful. :)
> 
> This sort of fits in the same universe as my fic "Vigilante" which goes into how I think the Flat Scam will come to an end. Basically, I think Todd will finally try to turn Vinny in, Vinny will catch wind, try to do away with him and Pat will save the day. But I do think Todd is going to get hurt. Probably end up in hospital. I'm kind of working under that same assumption here. Feel free to read the fic! :)
> 
> Chapters will be posted when done. Kudos, comments, likes and reblogs are welcome encouragement!!
> 
> auselysium on tumblr and aus_elysium02 on twitter.


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